First let me state that I have a pre-excisting condition known as Paranoid Personality Disorder, therefore I am extremely paranoid about everything that goes on around me, nonetheless through therapy I have been able to lead a rather successful life, last year in my senior year in high school I was looking for some porn (adult) and came across a video that said hot redhead pthc, I did not know what this stood for so having a thing for redheads, i dowloaded it, but it wouldn't let me preview so I cancelled but didn't delete the partial until like two months later when I found out there even was a partial left, then I found out that I was sharing partials. Also just a month ago I was looking for some videos and downloaded like eight at the time none of the titles suggested internet porn to me, but I also did not know that hussyfan was also child porn, my computer downloaded this file extremely quick but since all the videos had similar names I did not watch it after it was dowloaded b/c I just went right by it. I went out of town that week and my roomate used my computer including limewire, he still hadn't purchased his. when i came back I chose this video and as soon as I realized that it was child porn I deleted it, but ever since I have become a mess, I scrub my harddrive daily, I get scared whenever I hear a cop car coming, I have resummed smoking, which I had given up a year prior, now I'm on two and a half packs a day, I need to take a couple of valium pills in order to sleep for three hours each night, I have already had two nervous breakdowns while I was by myself at home, I haven't been abel to have sex with my girlfriend in two weeks, I just keep imagining scenarios where the feds come to my house and take me for 5 years for pocession of cp. I tanked a midterm just yesterday. I have found that people in this forum appear to know their stuff and I am about as ignorant as there can be about technology, It was an accident i didn't mean to download cp, and i didn't notice i left it on my computer for a week,(neither did my roomate), but this brought up the fact that what if someone caught on the the partial left on my parents computer, that said pthc. I can't deal with this anymore, I'M ON THE EDGE OF SANITY, since i live on a third floor i have considered jumping off a couple of times. Sometimes I just wanna turn my self in to the cops and get it over with. What scares me the most is that I will spend next semester as a exchange student in University of Madrid and I will be away from my parents, and if somebody comes looking for them, because of my ignorance I won't be around to take the blame. Can somebody tell me if my paranoia has any basis whether the cops would spend their time in tracking somebody with a single file down, also if they would how long would it take for them to reach that person, from what I have seen in some cases it took about two months after the investigation began, in others it took 6 months but i really don't know. I am desperate please give me a quick response, what is left of my sanity hangs in the balance, and I need to know what's coming. Thank You
PS **** those child molestors, because of them me, an outstanding student a decent member of society, is reduced to a dependence on sleeping pills, and cigarettes to keep from going completely crazy or even worse killing my self. If I do get thrown in jail over this, I will do everything in my power when I get out to make sure those scumbags suffer a slow painful death.