A man is driving along a country road, not willing or able to take in the beauty of the overarching branches of the woodland either side. He is in a hurry! All at once, the driver’s side front tyre explodes and is in tatters by the time the man wrestles the cards were safe stop. Cursing under his breath the man reaches for his mobile phone and finds that it has been stolen… he will have to change the tyre himself. Ignoring the beautiful day, the man eyes the building across the road speculatively – set in splendid isolation in the surrounding woodland. It has a high redbrick perimeter wall, huge iron gates and a large sign to the right-hand side of the gate that announces that it is a secure psychiatric hospital. There is a man, holding one of the vertical bars of the gates in each hand and staring intently at the driver as he gets out of his car… he avoids the patient’s gaze, gets the jack out of the back of the car and, like a lot of people do, he puts the wheel nuts together in the hubcap.

The patient from the hospital across the road is still watching the driver, as he rolls the spare wheel around from the back of the car. There is a sudden and startling clap of thunder, that causes the driver to crash into the hubcap, with the spare wheel, knocking all the wheel nuts off centre and then the driver, now a tad off balance steps on the opposite rim of the metal dish, catapulting the wheel nuts into the nearby undergrowth and leaf litter. Even with a strong magnet and lots of time (and the driver has neither of these) he would be ages finding the lost wheel nuts. There is a rumble of thunder and the branches, in the canopy above the road, jostle with each other, letting a few leaves sail fitfully to the ground. The leaves portend the coming of autumn and the branches signal the more pressing prospect of rain. Nothing, considers the driver, has gone right today and he slumps down, back against the rear tyre, angry that misfortune had dogged his progress with apparent purpose and malice.

“Don’t worry” said a voice that seemed to come from out of nowhere, “there is a solution to your problem” the voice continued. The driver took his head out of his hands and looked up to discover that the voice came from the man who had been watching in through the gates of the hospital across the road. That was it, that was the final straw, thought the driver and poured scorn on the hospital patient. “YOU!” yelled the driver, “what could YOU possibly do to help me?” The man the other side of the gate was unabashed and seemed not to hear the anger or resentment. Instead, the hospital patient continued in a pleasant even tone. “Why don’t you just listen?” asked the patient “what have you got to lose, after all?”

The man was right, of course, the driver had nowhere else to go and was out of options, or so it seemed. “Okay, okay… what?” yelled the driver. Seemingly unabashed the patient continued in a pleasant, even voice that was curiously reassuring. “All you need to do” said the psychiatric hospital patient “is to spring the other three hubcaps, take one wheel nut off each of the other three wheels and then use these to attach the spare wheel. Providing you don’t drive too fast, you can get to a garage, buy some more wheel nuts and you’ll be okay!” The motorist listed his head from his hands, as he realised that this would work! “That’s brilliant!” exclaimed the motorist, pausing to think for a moment or two “what on earth are you doing in a place like this?” he added. “Well,” said the patient “I’m mentally ill, not f**king stupid!”

Very good

I've said something similar to my kids when they say "Mum, you're a basket case".